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Tories to Introduce Hard Boarder

Growing impatient with pesky Irish intransigence over Brexit and Northern Ireland, Theresa May today announced the introduction of a Hard Boarder on the island of Ireland. Speaking outside Number 10, Mrs May declared the time for negotiation was over and on Monday morning, people from South Armagh to Donegal would wake up to see the new measures in place.

Whilst the Prime Minister declined divulge too much information about what these measures would entail, Feck News can confirm that the British intend to deploy a crack team of Eton College and  Harrow School bullies, led by Rupert Ponsonby-Smythe and Jeremy Fortesque-Kirkwillie, to patrol the border region and administer a jolly good paddling to those without proper identification documents.

Speaking under a request for anonymity, a former victim, sorry…alumnus of Eton has a stark warning for anyone thinking of nipping up North for cheap booze:

“Rupert has a spiffing shot with his paddle-board and likes to make sure you’re left with a jolly red patch on your bum. No mercy and always shouts God Save the Queen with each swing. A sadistic bounder if ever I saw one.”

Feck News can also report that Fortesque-Kirkwillie will be carrying out regular hunting trips around Crossmaglen and Blacklion using the hounds and horses left unemployed by the fox-hunting ban in the UK. Our source further explained:

“I heard Jeremy once complain about what the liberal, pinko-commies had done to the noble hunt and he would campaign for it’s return. I’m sure he’s over the moon now, what with the opportunity to chase down a few Irish peasants as well.”

Both Ponsonby-Smythe and and Fortesque-Kirkwillie were unavailable for comment due to outstanding commitments with the first year students at their colleges. It is so far unclear what the response of the Irish Government will be but it is expected the Ulster Branch of the GAA will instruct their members to sharpen the edges of their hurley sticks.

What is known at this point is that the EU have drafted regulations to ensure any paddle-boards produced meet the European standard regarding length and width.


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