Early Friday morning, inspired by Donald Trump’s executive order sending the U.S. National Guard to patrol the border with Mexico, Arlene Foster, leader of the DUP in Northern Ireland, ordered the Ulster Defense Association (UDA) into positions in Tyrone, Fermanagh and Armagh to defend the province against caravans of Irish raiders.
In a move bound to dramatically increase tensions along the border, recently heightened by Brexit in the United Kingdom, the East Belfast and Newtownards branches of the UDA mobilised rapidly, setting up checkpoints along a number of country roads leading into the Irish Republic.
Speaking to reporters outside Stormont this afternoon, Foster attempted to clarify her decision, explaining the need to halt the influx of unvetted Irishmen and women into God’s own country:
“Every weekend, Fridays especially, hordes of these savages cross into Northern Ireland, scavenging and pillaging for cheap alcohol and looking for a good time. We even see them as far as Belfast, shopping and rubbing their economic prosperity in the faces of our hard-working and god-fearing brethren.
“Some of them even stay here, embedding into the local population and marrying our young men and women. We have no control over this because of the lax immigration policies of the EU. This is a concerted effort by Republicans, north and south of the border, to bring about a United Ireland by stealth. Ulster shall say NO once more”
The deployment of the DUP’s de-facto army to the border region has sent shockwaves throughout the island. Leo Varadkar, Taoiseach (Prime Minister) of Ireland held an emergency cabinet meeting to determine a course of action. Addressing the nation before the meeting commenced, Varadkar gave insight as to what may have been the real reason for this development:
“I think Arlene Foster is under pressure from the hardcore and devout members of her constituency. They’re not happy at the prospect of Marriage Equality being introduced in Northern Ireland and the possibility for Abortion after the upcoming Referendum down here. They’re nervous at the creeping emergence of the freedoms of choice and love on the whole island. It’s not alcohol and shoppers they’re afraid of. However, we must arrange a meeting with our Northern counterparts and try to prevent this situation from escalating beyond our control.”
Early morning tweets from President Trump appeared to commend Foster on her decision:
“Huge respect to the Irish Christians. Brave stand against liberals who would trash the great values of God and Country!! Defend your borders against foreign gays, criminals and abortion-lovers. @foxandfriends @leosherlock @BritainFirst”
As of 4pm on Friday afternoon, there have been no reports of any major incidents along the border. Eyewitness accounts have indicated the UDA are content to sit by the roadside watching re-runs of Uncle Andy on YouTube, awaiting further instruction from Belfast. Indeed, many cross-border travellers have been spotted sharing smokes and taking selfies with the bemused defenders. Apparently everyone has been having a gay old time laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.
Don’t forget to share this story and spread the Feck News message of peace, love and occasional silliness.