Feck News woke up this morning to discover he has been preemptively denied from entering the United States of America. The New York Times reported yesterday that the US State Department have requested that all visa applicants to the country to hand over information around their various social media accounts in order to gain entry.
Although this directive has yet to come into effect, millions of people across the world quietly wept into their cornflakes today as they realised the years they’ve spent mocking rednecks, Fox News and Donald Trump would result in being unable to purchase cheap Levis or take the kids to Disneyland.
A source from within the State Department said: “under the current administration, cutbacks to staff numbers has meant we’re no longer able to harvest this date from Facebook and Google ourselves. We’ve therefore decided to make the foreign folk do the work for us.”
He went on: “Our Dear Leader believes we cannot allow non-believers and free-thinkers into the US for fear they may paint pictures or create memes of freedoms and competent governance elsewhere in the world”.
Even as desperate people, who’ve already booked family holidays in Florida or weekend shopping trips to New York, scramble to delete incriminating posts from their timelines, Feck News can advise they are wasting their time. As the airport bouncers would say, “You’re name’s on the list, you’re not getting in”.
The EU Commission is expected to meet next week to discuss reciprocal measures, likely requesting American visitors to prove they didn’t vote Republican in any election over the last 40 years.