Residents of south Louth this morning were dramatically woken from their beds as 4 Russian Kalibr missiles destroyed a toxic substance facility on the Ardee road in Collon, Ireland. The full extent of the casualties has yet to be released. However, Gardai can confirm the intended target of the airstrike, Mr Leo Sherlock, has survived due to wearing his favourite tin-foil hat.
Evgeny Ballistikov, a spokesman for the Kremlin, called the strike “a humanitarian necessity in solidarity with the suffering of the Irish people”. Speaking shortly after the missiles hit their targets, Ballistikov explained why the attacks had been authorised:
“We received independently verified reports that Mr Sherlock has waged a constant campaign of infecting Ireland with dangerous and toxic substances since 2014. We could not sit back and idly watch as innocent Irish men and women were being exposed to daily doses of poisonous material.
“Our airstrikes are sending a message to Mr Sherlock, as well as those who are complicit in his activities, that the international community will no longer tolerate his actions towards the citizens of Ireland”.
Mr Sherlock was unavailable for comment whilst he attended Our Lady of Lourdes hospital in Drogheda for minor injuries to his self-esteem. He is expected to make a statement later today calling for refugees from Collon to be offered asylum in Dubai.
More information as we receive it.